Confessions of a Graduate School Drop-Out

Well, cat’s out of the bag with the title. Yes, it’s true, I have left my university. A few weeks ago, I was on my Spring Break. I spent my break the way I have always have for the past few years. I packed a suitcase and headed over to my fiance’s house. When I wasn’t trying to relax, I was working on assignments. My future mother-in-law made the comment that I wasn’t having as much fun as I normally do and she was right. It was on that break that I started realizing that I wasn’t happy anymore.

After the week long break, my fiance returned with me and he stayed for a week. I was crying all week long over the amount of work I had, When I say cry, I mean that really hard ugly cry with snot running down my face, yeah, not a pretty sight. The fact of the matter was, I did work a lot during the break and I still felt like I was sinking. My grades had gone from A’s to B-‘s, which is really cutting it close in graduate school. You get more than 2 C’s and you’re out

After the week passed and my fiance left, I lasted 24 hours. I made a list of all the things I had to do and woke up determined to get work done. As the evening crept in, I realized my entire presentation was straight from the textbook and I had no idea on how to present it. I called my fiance in tears and begged him to come get me, This  was something I had done the entire week he was with me. I told him that if I stayed at home and in school I would end up in a mental institution. I had already stopped eating and sleep was just not happening. I had a feeling I was going to make the three C’s and get kicked out. Even with the tutoring I was receiving from another graduate student that had all the same classes as I did, I was still making B-‘s.

Needless to say, I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety officially and have left the university on medical release. I’m currently crashing on the couch at my fiance and his family’s house. I’m looking for work and hoping we can save the money to get our own place. His family let me into their home with open arms and I think I’ve thanked them more times than I can count. I do feel really guilty about putting this all on them though.

I have to go run errands, so I’ll have to cut it short here. But if anyone has any questions, I’ll be more than happy to elaborate on anything.

Advertisements

The Depression Experiment

anxiety

I woke up miserable this morning. I have no desire to go to my night class tonight. I was absolutely devastated when my grandmother told me that she wouldn’t have cared if I skipped tonight. It’s the only class I have this week due to the Mardi Gras vacation and I honestly have no idea why they just couldn’t let us have the day off (some professors gave their classes the day off, but not mine). We don’t have classes on Fridays. Though truth be told, the only reason she doesn’t mind me skipping is because we are experiencing colder weather and she doesn’t want to go outside, In my heart, I know I need to go because this is the one class I’m not fully understanding. But I could just kick myself knowing that I could have spent some extra days in my fiance’s arms and not be sleeping alone. Don’t worry, I am going tonight.

My fiance’s house and family are a crutch for me and I realize this. They are able to make me forget all my worries for a few days and that’s great. But in the end, I have to go home, I end up in tears, and I’m depressed until the next time I see him. It wasn’t always like this and it has to stop. It has only gotten so bad recently because I have lost my academic confidence due to that exam. I’m not even out of the race yet and everything feels so hopeless.

I can feel a great depression coming and I haven’t had one since 2012. I have to stop it before it gets worse. So, I thought about it and came up with the Depression Experiment. I thought about what’s exactly wrong with me and found some interesting insight. First of all, I’m obviously depressed about failing my COMPS exam. I can’t do anything to change that but I can set aside 15 minutes each day to get started studying early once I get the new textbook. I retake it in August.

Second, I hate the mentioned class and am having a bit of trouble. Not too much though. The last two classes have been very helpful. However, I am having trouble coming up with a research paper topic, so I’ll ask him tonight for a little direction. I also plan to start my presentation for his class this week, it’s weeks in advance. That way I’ll really get a handle on what I need to talk about, it will be done early and I’m not stressing, and maybe it will help me find a topic.

Third, usually when I’m depressed, I jump into my schoolwork. But since school is what is making me depressed, I’m having to force myself to do my assignments. This has to stop because my work will suffer and it just makes things harder. So, I’m going to try my hardest to keep my routine of doing assignments early. I’ll set alarms so I can get the most out of my day.

Fourth, this may be one of the saddest parts, but I write so much for school that I have fallen out of love with my craft. I also believe that I have gotten lazy. To combat this, I plan to start posting on here at least once a week. That way I’ll get some writing out that I actually enjoy. Just writing this has made me feel a little bit better.

Doing my book reviews also helps me because reading is always something that perks me up. I am also a lover of film and maybe doing film reviews when I have a chance will also help. Deep down, I know that what I really want is to live with my fiance. But due to my schooling and his job, it’s just not an option right now. I think things would be so much better if I could just finish my work and then leap into his arms afterward. But until then I have to do what I can.

I’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks…..

enhanced-buzz-8638-1329777269-15

I haven’t done a personal blog post in a while. So, here I am. Today, was my first day back on campus. I put on a new grunge style baby doll dress that a friend of mine gave me. It’s the real thing too. She bought it in 1992. It’s white with a floral print and ties in the back. I paired it up with some knee high black boots, foundation, and rum raisin lipstick. My black tattoo choker necklace just came in today, so I have that now too.

The class I had today was Gender Studies in American Cinema. It’s taught by my favorite professor and I haven’t taken a class with him in a while. I couldn’t really enjoy it though. I’ve been depressed for days over my upcoming comps exam and the fact that I’m still not living with my fiance.

Yeah, I neglected to tell you guys that. That boyfriend I’ve been writing about proposed to me over my winter break. I didn’t say anything because the ring was too small and we had to send it back. The jewelers are making us a new set at a great deal! It was custom made for me.

I’m ecstatic about my engagement, but I’m melancholy because we’re still not living together and there’s really nothing we can do about it now. But trust me, he’s worth it. It’s been nearly three years and I still get the excitement in my chest. I don’t care how sad I get…it is all worth it.

I’ll let you guys in on a little secret.

In October, I had a cancer scare. You can imagine how devastated I felt. The first thing I thought was: Great, cerebral palsy and cancer. There’s no way he is going to stick around. Don’t worry, no cancer. But I was wrong about him. He brought me to all my appointments and on the morning of the screening he brought me to the hospital, helped me into the gown, and brought my socks and stuffed bunny.. After I woke up (they had to put me to sleep because I was scared out of mind), He brought me to the mall, made me lunch, and watched a movie with me all before he had to go to work. When he had leave, I was in tears. I couldn’t believe that such a wonderful person exists. I couldn’t fathom that he had done all that for me. And I didn’t want him to leave..

I’m going to marry him. He is going to be my husband.

I am not a highly religious person. But I thank God for this man at least once every day. This distance is killing me. I’m sorry this post is brief I have a monster headache.
enhanced-18846-1405983102-3

What Makes A Man (Originally Posted August 21, 2013)

I wanted to post this last night but I found myself being tired and half-sleep. Oh, and sorry if some people may be annoyed at my recent influx of Daria posts. Can’t help it, it’s my favorite show.

Anyway, last night I found myself gushing to a new friend I’ve made about my boyfriend. Later, the little ugly voice that everyone has in their heads, decided to make it known to me that I don’t really deserve him.

I think it’s a mixture of different things. I am starting graduate school tomorrow, I had an embarrassing panic attack at his house Monday, and now I have a huge zit on my nose. I know it’s also my physical condition as well, but that’s a given. I know that my CP doesn’t affect me as a person, but some days are always going to be harder than others. Sometimes, it’s going to get me down, it’s human nature.

I did some deep thinking last night and I’ve come to realize that I think I don’t deserve him is because I think of him so highly. I look back at all my exes and I see them as little boys and when I think of my current man, well I see a man. Because of this, I have a fear of being taken away from him if I don’t succeed.

My family may disagree with me because he only has a part time job and no high school education. But that doesn’t make a man. Success doesn’t make a man. Sure, a man should be able to provide, but I have faith in him that he will get there. But there are other things that make a real man.

Things like kindness, honesty, and loyalty. Trust me, I never got all of these things with my exes. And for one ex in particular, I never got any. But my current has all of these and more, I can’t help but sometimes think I’m unworthy. I know he’s no where near perfect, but he’s definitely no boy. Man-child, at times though. But hey, sometimes that’s needed.

Everyone feels unworthy at times and it may be worse for others that have a problem like me. But at the end of the day if it’s over a relationship thing like this, you have to remember they chose you.

I will close with some Daria quotes I think cover my situation. Daria is my hero.

daria_quotes_for_any_situation_15

daria_quotes_for_any_situation_11

tumblr_monzs2ODv31qb2uq7o1_500