A Very Special Product Review Post: Happy Three Years!

Hello everyone! Today marks the third year anniversary of the day my fiance and I started dating. We celebrated yesterday by going to the huge mall in our city, unfortunately, the trip was cut short by a very annoying stomach bug that decided to infect me. Ironically, it hit me right after Michael (fiance) bought me my anniversary present. But more about the present later.

Naturally, I got all dolled up for the occasion and I got to try on a lot of my new goodies, so I’m just going to put them in one razor review! Here we go!

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E.L.F. Retractable Kabuki Brush

E.L.F. has a great line of products and their prices are very affordable. I recently purchased a new kabuki brush, but I saw this one at Target and since it was “retractable,” I wanted to give it a try. This E.L.F. brush blows my Walmart bought one right out of the water!

I was able to put on my translucent powder, foundation powder, and blush all just using this one brush! It blended wonderfully and made me look great! I also loved the retractable feature because it will stay cleaner and it is also vegan! Win, win!

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AddictiveCosmetics Finishing Translucent Powder in Pearl

This stuff is wonderful and now is one of my favorite make-up supplies. I put it on before applying foundation for hold and then after the foundation because the pearl gives it a nice glow finish. I even sprinkled some over my lipstick and it HELD! Of course, I chose AddictiveCosmetics on Etsy because of her stance on making her items vegan. I can’t wait to try it on eyeliner to see if it holds. I just wasn’t up to wearing any yesterday.

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E.L.F. Lengthening and Defining Mascara

Truth be told, I don’t really need a lengthening and defining mascara because I have long lashes, but this E.L.F. brand is extremely easy for me to use with my motor skill problems due to cerebral palsy. I always have trouble using mascara and eyeliner, but this was great and made me look good!

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AddictiveCosmetics FIXIT Eye Shadow Primer

Just spray this on your eyelids and wait thirty seconds. I used this wrong by putting it on over the eye shadow, but guess what…it still worked! Best eye shadow primer I’ve ever used. My eye shadow stayed on great. I’ll use it right next time!

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Nyx Dewy Finish Make-Up Setting Spray

I bought this setting spray because I was sold on the promise of dew. It is more expensive than the E.L.F. one I have, but I do think it does make my make-up look a bit more glow like. I’ll do more experiments on both and update on which one I prefer.

Wow! How lucky was I that I loved all of this stuff? Now, I’m sure you guys are all wondering what my anniversary present was. You guys will all see how far my obsession goes. Michael bought me a whole line of skin care products from the Body Shop. I know, I know. I already have so much! But I talked to a clerk and explained my skin issues and she gave a recommendation. That review will be coming soon.

I may very well have rosacea because the dryness from it causes skin to itch. We’ll see how it goes. I felt so bad that he dropped $36 dollars for the kit and then had to take care of me all night!

Oh! I’m also employed now as a freelance writer! I start tomorrow. Guess what my first assignment is. SKINCARE. Hahahaaha!

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Living the Dream, Well, Sort Of

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I’ve lived a very sheltered life because of my disability. You know how dads are. Very protective of their little girls. Because of this, while I was in college, I had always lived with my grandmother (who was pretty much my mother since my biological one was M.I.A.). Well, if you’ve read a earlier post I had written on my departure from graduate school, you’d know that was no longer the case.

I imagine my sheltered lifestyle was the reason for some of my more favorite reading choices. I really enjoy books where teenagers went off on their own and had adventures in parties, dating, and drugs. (Though I would not really dabble much with the last. But I got a taste of what it’s like by dating someone who did.) Or biographies of my favorite musicians who had to struggle at one point with different jobs and homes.

One of them that comes to mind is the Kurt Cobain biography I own, Heavier than Heaven. I always wished that I can go off on my own like him and struggle a bit to find my place. Of course, I think jobs were easier to come by then, as I am still looking. However, I am turning in an application tomorrow that looks promising.

I’m still living in someone else’s house (my fiance’s parents’), but they do offer a lot more freedom and less stress. But it is still an adventure by being able to come and go as I please. They even throw quite a lot of shindigs themselves.

So, I can honestly say that I am kind of living the dream of finding my way on my own. Though, my need to feel productive makes me crave a job, Therefore, I hope I get hired soon, so this depression will disappear.

Though there is a bit of trouble in paradise with my fiance and I. I find myself missing the very man I mentioned in this post. I heard through the grapevine that he had been asking about me. He was my first love and my first dabble with more experienced activities…

Really, the confession of something like this is grounds for a separation for most. But my fiance certainly does love me, as he will do anything do work this out. Even as far as saying that he has me and my ex doesn’t. So, as long as he has me, it doesn’t matter if I pine. It really makes me feel like a bitch.

A Letter to No One

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Today is the day of my future sister-in-law’s high school graduation. Even though I am very happy and excited for her, I have to put my brave face on and wear a mask of false pretenses. I realize I am escaping to my own blog and various books for my own solace and honesty. But the truth of the matter is that I am quite unhappy.

I look on my facebook and I see my peers that have successfully finished out the semester or have finally obtained that degree and I think to myself, “Are you stupid? Why couldn’t you hack it?” The truth still is that I don’t want to return, but did I have any business being there at all?

What I really want is to get a job and start saving with my fiance for a place and our wedding. But it has been two weeks and I haven’t heard back from any of the many, many applications I have submitted. My fiance got a callback, filled out all the paperwork, and it has been a week and he still hasn’t been called in. However, he is very confident since he has worked for this company before and they were very pleased to have him back. I wish I could have such a nice disposition as he has, but my confidence is waning and I find myself retreating to a darker place.

Even though I have decided to stay with my fiance, I miss my grandmother, father, and dog (who has been put down) terribly. I don’t want to return home because I already changed my address and starting getting my disability services switched over, and I just don’t want to be pressured to go back to school or see the disappointment I may have caused.

But what right do I have to inconvenience these people who have been so kind to me for the past three years? I know they have said that they were happy to have me, but I know I have disrupted my fiance’s family’s lives. I’m dreading when a disability worker starts coming. I’m sure they are not looking forward to a stranger entering their home.

Looking down at my engagement ring is starting to make me sick as I feel like I don’t deserve it. Not his love, kindness, or the same from his family. The only solace I have is in my ever expanding reading list.

I’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks…..

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I haven’t done a personal blog post in a while. So, here I am. Today, was my first day back on campus. I put on a new grunge style baby doll dress that a friend of mine gave me. It’s the real thing too. She bought it in 1992. It’s white with a floral print and ties in the back. I paired it up with some knee high black boots, foundation, and rum raisin lipstick. My black tattoo choker necklace just came in today, so I have that now too.

The class I had today was Gender Studies in American Cinema. It’s taught by my favorite professor and I haven’t taken a class with him in a while. I couldn’t really enjoy it though. I’ve been depressed for days over my upcoming comps exam and the fact that I’m still not living with my fiance.

Yeah, I neglected to tell you guys that. That boyfriend I’ve been writing about proposed to me over my winter break. I didn’t say anything because the ring was too small and we had to send it back. The jewelers are making us a new set at a great deal! It was custom made for me.

I’m ecstatic about my engagement, but I’m melancholy because we’re still not living together and there’s really nothing we can do about it now. But trust me, he’s worth it. It’s been nearly three years and I still get the excitement in my chest. I don’t care how sad I get…it is all worth it.

I’ll let you guys in on a little secret.

In October, I had a cancer scare. You can imagine how devastated I felt. The first thing I thought was: Great, cerebral palsy and cancer. There’s no way he is going to stick around. Don’t worry, no cancer. But I was wrong about him. He brought me to all my appointments and on the morning of the screening he brought me to the hospital, helped me into the gown, and brought my socks and stuffed bunny.. After I woke up (they had to put me to sleep because I was scared out of mind), He brought me to the mall, made me lunch, and watched a movie with me all before he had to go to work. When he had leave, I was in tears. I couldn’t believe that such a wonderful person exists. I couldn’t fathom that he had done all that for me. And I didn’t want him to leave..

I’m going to marry him. He is going to be my husband.

I am not a highly religious person. But I thank God for this man at least once every day. This distance is killing me. I’m sorry this post is brief I have a monster headache.
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What Makes A Man (Originally Posted August 21, 2013)

I wanted to post this last night but I found myself being tired and half-sleep. Oh, and sorry if some people may be annoyed at my recent influx of Daria posts. Can’t help it, it’s my favorite show.

Anyway, last night I found myself gushing to a new friend I’ve made about my boyfriend. Later, the little ugly voice that everyone has in their heads, decided to make it known to me that I don’t really deserve him.

I think it’s a mixture of different things. I am starting graduate school tomorrow, I had an embarrassing panic attack at his house Monday, and now I have a huge zit on my nose. I know it’s also my physical condition as well, but that’s a given. I know that my CP doesn’t affect me as a person, but some days are always going to be harder than others. Sometimes, it’s going to get me down, it’s human nature.

I did some deep thinking last night and I’ve come to realize that I think I don’t deserve him is because I think of him so highly. I look back at all my exes and I see them as little boys and when I think of my current man, well I see a man. Because of this, I have a fear of being taken away from him if I don’t succeed.

My family may disagree with me because he only has a part time job and no high school education. But that doesn’t make a man. Success doesn’t make a man. Sure, a man should be able to provide, but I have faith in him that he will get there. But there are other things that make a real man.

Things like kindness, honesty, and loyalty. Trust me, I never got all of these things with my exes. And for one ex in particular, I never got any. But my current has all of these and more, I can’t help but sometimes think I’m unworthy. I know he’s no where near perfect, but he’s definitely no boy. Man-child, at times though. But hey, sometimes that’s needed.

Everyone feels unworthy at times and it may be worse for others that have a problem like me. But at the end of the day if it’s over a relationship thing like this, you have to remember they chose you.

I will close with some Daria quotes I think cover my situation. Daria is my hero.

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