Living the Dream, Well, Sort Of

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I’ve lived a very sheltered life because of my disability. You know how dads are. Very protective of their little girls. Because of this, while I was in college, I had always lived with my grandmother (who was pretty much my mother since my biological one was M.I.A.). Well, if you’ve read a earlier post I had written on my departure from graduate school, you’d know that was no longer the case.

I imagine my sheltered lifestyle was the reason for some of my more favorite reading choices. I really enjoy books where teenagers went off on their own and had adventures in parties, dating, and drugs. (Though I would not really dabble much with the last. But I got a taste of what it’s like by dating someone who did.) Or biographies of my favorite musicians who had to struggle at one point with different jobs and homes.

One of them that comes to mind is the Kurt Cobain biography I own, Heavier than Heaven. I always wished that I can go off on my own like him and struggle a bit to find my place. Of course, I think jobs were easier to come by then, as I am still looking. However, I am turning in an application tomorrow that looks promising.

I’m still living in someone else’s house (my fiance’s parents’), but they do offer a lot more freedom and less stress. But it is still an adventure by being able to come and go as I please. They even throw quite a lot of shindigs themselves.

So, I can honestly say that I am kind of living the dream of finding my way on my own. Though, my need to feel productive makes me crave a job, Therefore, I hope I get hired soon, so this depression will disappear.

Though there is a bit of trouble in paradise with my fiance and I. I find myself missing the very man I mentioned in this post. I heard through the grapevine that he had been asking about me. He was my first love and my first dabble with more experienced activities…

Really, the confession of something like this is grounds for a separation for most. But my fiance certainly does love me, as he will do anything do work this out. Even as far as saying that he has me and my ex doesn’t. So, as long as he has me, it doesn’t matter if I pine. It really makes me feel like a bitch.

A Letter to No One

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Today is the day of my future sister-in-law’s high school graduation. Even though I am very happy and excited for her, I have to put my brave face on and wear a mask of false pretenses. I realize I am escaping to my own blog and various books for my own solace and honesty. But the truth of the matter is that I am quite unhappy.

I look on my facebook and I see my peers that have successfully finished out the semester or have finally obtained that degree and I think to myself, “Are you stupid? Why couldn’t you hack it?” The truth still is that I don’t want to return, but did I have any business being there at all?

What I really want is to get a job and start saving with my fiance for a place and our wedding. But it has been two weeks and I haven’t heard back from any of the many, many applications I have submitted. My fiance got a callback, filled out all the paperwork, and it has been a week and he still hasn’t been called in. However, he is very confident since he has worked for this company before and they were very pleased to have him back. I wish I could have such a nice disposition as he has, but my confidence is waning and I find myself retreating to a darker place.

Even though I have decided to stay with my fiance, I miss my grandmother, father, and dog (who has been put down) terribly. I don’t want to return home because I already changed my address and starting getting my disability services switched over, and I just don’t want to be pressured to go back to school or see the disappointment I may have caused.

But what right do I have to inconvenience these people who have been so kind to me for the past three years? I know they have said that they were happy to have me, but I know I have disrupted my fiance’s family’s lives. I’m dreading when a disability worker starts coming. I’m sure they are not looking forward to a stranger entering their home.

Looking down at my engagement ring is starting to make me sick as I feel like I don’t deserve it. Not his love, kindness, or the same from his family. The only solace I have is in my ever expanding reading list.

50 Feet of What?

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I know I haven’t updated in a while. This is going to be painful to admit, but I did in fact, fail my COMPs exam. I haven’t been the same ever since I found out. I was so devastated that I actually wheeled out of one of my night classes crying. My interest in school has dropped. However, I am still completing all of my assignments and on time. I guess it’s just so robotic to me now after years and years of being a student. I think deep down I probably still care, even though I’m just drained to the max.

To catch you back up to speed, my fiance and I celebrated Valentines Day and since I live in the Mardi Gras state, I had a little time off from classes. We had a wonderful discounted sushi meal, alcohol, and mini cheesecake. We got my ring set back only to discover that it is still too small. I am now wearing it on a chain, but the jewelers we bought from have agreed to stretch and re-polish them at no charge. They are so great to work with! For Valentines gifts, I got him a Wayne’s World “WayneStock” shirt and he got me some flannel shirts for my grunge wardrobe. However, the vacation was still very short lived.

When my fiance brought me back home, I burst into tears just because I don’t want to return to my studies. My confidence feels shattered. On top of that, it’s already hard to leave him.

I found something that has been working pretty well for my face. But that will get its own post. I will also have a book review up soon.

Filler Post

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Hello fellow bloggers/readers,

I know I haven’t been posting lately. This semester is kicking my ass, I’m always swamped with work, and I’m just having bad luck upon worse luck. I’m not going to go into too many details about what’s got me so down. But I will tell you that my best friend moved to another state and I have decided to see my university councilors in order to help deal with my stress and depression. Oh, and when I say the semester is kicking my ass, I don’t mean I’m flunking.

I do have a bit of good news. I wrote a non-fiction memoir short story about my relationship (which you guys have read about in previous posts) for my Advanced Creative Writing Class and it was pretty well received. In fact, one girl liked it so much she wrote me a very kind letter. I’m going to email her a thank you soon. I really appreciated that letter.

Another thing I’ve been doing to combat my issues is I’m catching up on my favorite shows, movies, and doing whatever reading I can in my spare time. I’m really big into anime. I grew up on Dragon ball Z, so I’m going back to the beginning again and watching Dragonball.

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I’m also currently reading….

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I’m not following too many blogs at the moment, so I thought maybe some of my readers could introduce themselves and tell me a bit about their blogs. Don’t be shy!

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Oh, I almost forgot! I’m excited because I’m getting my first smartphone! I ordered a Samsung Galaxy S4. Anyone have one of those?

I Have A Serious Reading Problem (Originally Posted July 22, 2014)

So, I’m a bad blogger. Haha. I know I am really bad about keeping this up. It really doesn’t matter because not a lot of people read this blog anyway. But that’s not why I do it. I do it because I love to write. Whether it’s just what’s going on in my life, a short story, or just my thoughts on a topic, I love to share it with the people who care.

I haven’t been keeping this up too well because my internship required a lot of my attention. But now it is winding down and I have a bit more time on my hands. I’m sure those of you who follow me have noticed that I am primarily posting book reviews.

I’ve always loved the written word. I started reading at a very early age and wanted to be a writer since 8th grade. Graduate school has really opened up my reading horizons. I’m reading everything I can get my hands on! Whether it’s literary criticism, classics, or contemporary, I have made several reading lists for myself. I’m recording my reviews of what I read, so you’ll be seeing a lot of book reviews being posted here on Tumblr and on my Goodreads account as well

My honey and I’s 2nd year anniversary is rapidly approaching on August 9th. Last weekend we had a date night and it was greatly needed. I can’t even remember the last time we went out and enjoyed ourselves. The night consisted of us going to dinner and then a trip to a wonderful store that sells used books, games, and movies. I purchased the books, the Idiot, the Metamorphosis, and some Phillip K. Dick novels. Here is a picture of us before our date for your viewing pleasure.

Unfortunately, this was taken with a crappy camera and I was sitting on his lap, so you can’t see us in our fly date night clothes. It was also before I got pretty. But I do have some photos of me after I got ready.

I’m sorry we didn’t take any pictures during the date, but we were having too much of a radical time to stop and take photos. I love hippie culture, so flower crowns are my new look. I’ve been getting great compliments. People think they go well with my curly hair. I’m going to order some in more colors. Oh, here’s a funny thing my baby said about it on our date.

“What a pair we make; a gothic looking guy and a hippie.”

Aside from all that, I finally found something that is helping clear my acne! I mixed together a green tea and apple cider vinegar toner and it is giving great results! I am still going see a dermatologist, tomorrow, because I do get body acne and I do not want to bathe in apple cider vinegar. Yuck!

My 2nd Naturebox also came in. Here are the snacks I received:

1.  Baked Peppery Potato Sticks: My least favorite out of the five, but not unenjoyable.

2. Lemon Tea Biscuits: Delicious mini lemon cookies! Great with tea and coffee.

3. Guacamole Bites: Guacamole flavored corn chips with a hint of lime, very tasty!

4. Teriyaki Twists: Teriyaki flavored rice crackers, very good!

5. Flax Crostini Bites: Oven-baked rice and oat bran crisps. These are delicious!

With eating more healthy and watching my portion sizes, I hope I can drop a bit of weight. I’ve been having some health issues lately, nothing too serious, a hormonal imbalance of sorts. But I have gained in the past year and that just may be the cause.

Well, that’s what’s been going on with me. I’ll probably have another book review up soon.

BYE, BYE, BYE!!!!!