Living the Dream, Well, Sort Of

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I’ve lived a very sheltered life because of my disability. You know how dads are. Very protective of their little girls. Because of this, while I was in college, I had always lived with my grandmother (who was pretty much my mother since my biological one was M.I.A.). Well, if you’ve read a earlier post I had written on my departure from graduate school, you’d know that was no longer the case.

I imagine my sheltered lifestyle was the reason for some of my more favorite reading choices. I really enjoy books where teenagers went off on their own and had adventures in parties, dating, and drugs. (Though I would not really dabble much with the last. But I got a taste of what it’s like by dating someone who did.) Or biographies of my favorite musicians who had to struggle at one point with different jobs and homes.

One of them that comes to mind is the Kurt Cobain biography I own, Heavier than Heaven. I always wished that I can go off on my own like him and struggle a bit to find my place. Of course, I think jobs were easier to come by then, as I am still looking. However, I am turning in an application tomorrow that looks promising.

I’m still living in someone else’s house (my fiance’s parents’), but they do offer a lot more freedom and less stress. But it is still an adventure by being able to come and go as I please. They even throw quite a lot of shindigs themselves.

So, I can honestly say that I am kind of living the dream of finding my way on my own. Though, my need to feel productive makes me crave a job, Therefore, I hope I get hired soon, so this depression will disappear.

Though there is a bit of trouble in paradise with my fiance and I. I find myself missing the very man I mentioned in this post. I heard through the grapevine that he had been asking about me. He was my first love and my first dabble with more experienced activities…

Really, the confession of something like this is grounds for a separation for most. But my fiance certainly does love me, as he will do anything do work this out. Even as far as saying that he has me and my ex doesn’t. So, as long as he has me, it doesn’t matter if I pine. It really makes me feel like a bitch.

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A Letter to No One

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Today is the day of my future sister-in-law’s high school graduation. Even though I am very happy and excited for her, I have to put my brave face on and wear a mask of false pretenses. I realize I am escaping to my own blog and various books for my own solace and honesty. But the truth of the matter is that I am quite unhappy.

I look on my facebook and I see my peers that have successfully finished out the semester or have finally obtained that degree and I think to myself, “Are you stupid? Why couldn’t you hack it?” The truth still is that I don’t want to return, but did I have any business being there at all?

What I really want is to get a job and start saving with my fiance for a place and our wedding. But it has been two weeks and I haven’t heard back from any of the many, many applications I have submitted. My fiance got a callback, filled out all the paperwork, and it has been a week and he still hasn’t been called in. However, he is very confident since he has worked for this company before and they were very pleased to have him back. I wish I could have such a nice disposition as he has, but my confidence is waning and I find myself retreating to a darker place.

Even though I have decided to stay with my fiance, I miss my grandmother, father, and dog (who has been put down) terribly. I don’t want to return home because I already changed my address and starting getting my disability services switched over, and I just don’t want to be pressured to go back to school or see the disappointment I may have caused.

But what right do I have to inconvenience these people who have been so kind to me for the past three years? I know they have said that they were happy to have me, but I know I have disrupted my fiance’s family’s lives. I’m dreading when a disability worker starts coming. I’m sure they are not looking forward to a stranger entering their home.

Looking down at my engagement ring is starting to make me sick as I feel like I don’t deserve it. Not his love, kindness, or the same from his family. The only solace I have is in my ever expanding reading list.

Confessions of a Graduate School Drop-Out

Well, cat’s out of the bag with the title. Yes, it’s true, I have left my university. A few weeks ago, I was on my Spring Break. I spent my break the way I have always have for the past few years. I packed a suitcase and headed over to my fiance’s house. When I wasn’t trying to relax, I was working on assignments. My future mother-in-law made the comment that I wasn’t having as much fun as I normally do and she was right. It was on that break that I started realizing that I wasn’t happy anymore.

After the week long break, my fiance returned with me and he stayed for a week. I was crying all week long over the amount of work I had, When I say cry, I mean that really hard ugly cry with snot running down my face, yeah, not a pretty sight. The fact of the matter was, I did work a lot during the break and I still felt like I was sinking. My grades had gone from A’s to B-‘s, which is really cutting it close in graduate school. You get more than 2 C’s and you’re out

After the week passed and my fiance left, I lasted 24 hours. I made a list of all the things I had to do and woke up determined to get work done. As the evening crept in, I realized my entire presentation was straight from the textbook and I had no idea on how to present it. I called my fiance in tears and begged him to come get me, This  was something I had done the entire week he was with me. I told him that if I stayed at home and in school I would end up in a mental institution. I had already stopped eating and sleep was just not happening. I had a feeling I was going to make the three C’s and get kicked out. Even with the tutoring I was receiving from another graduate student that had all the same classes as I did, I was still making B-‘s.

Needless to say, I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety officially and have left the university on medical release. I’m currently crashing on the couch at my fiance and his family’s house. I’m looking for work and hoping we can save the money to get our own place. His family let me into their home with open arms and I think I’ve thanked them more times than I can count. I do feel really guilty about putting this all on them though.

I have to go run errands, so I’ll have to cut it short here. But if anyone has any questions, I’ll be more than happy to elaborate on anything.

The Blog Tour: My first nomination!

When I logged on this morning to check out what my fellow bloggers had written since yesterday, I discovered that I had received my very first blog nomination! I want to thank the writer at https://acaffeinatedblog.wordpress.com/ for inviting me to this blog tour.

Let’s start with the Rules: Pass the tour on up to four other bloggers. Give them the rules and a specific Monday to post. Answer four questions about your creative process that lets other bloggers and visitors know what inspires you to do what you do.Compose a one-time post on a specific Monday (date given by your nominator).

1. What I’m working on at the moment?

At the moment, I just want to get out of graduate school with my Masters. Here and there, my fiance and I are trying to wedding plan though. But that process has had a few bumps in it.

2. How does my work differ from others in my genre?

I don’t really have a set genre. This blog was really made to chronicle my life with my husband to be and my love of pop culture. Though most of the time those take a backseat to skin care, my own writing, book reviews, graduate school, and ranting. So, really this blog is about my life and everything that goes with it. One day I could be posting a piece of own writing, a book review, a skincare review, a movie review, or just my thoughts or what I did today. Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get!

3. How does my writing and creative process work?

I really don’t have a creative process. I just take whatever I want to write about and go. The editing happens after the free write. Sometimes I like a little music in the background though.

4. Why do I write and create what do I do?

If you asked me what my main inspiration was I would have to say it is my husband to be. I started this blog as a way to chronicle my life with him and how he “ruined me in all the right ways.” I wanted other disabled people like me to know that we are not doomed to be alone forever, as I once so foolishly thought.

I would say another big inspiration is other writers and my bookish nature. 90s pop culture is probably my second favorite thing to write about besides my partner. I grew up in the 90s grunge era and was always a big fan. But I just love the decade in general. In fact, the title of my blog comes from the Everclear song; “Rocket for the Girl” from their 2012 album Invisible Stars.

Now, I’d like to nominate following fellow bloggers:

https://kelzbelzphotography.wordpress.com/

http://writingstories.rocks/

https://mycollegeodyssey.wordpress.com/

https://justinaluther.wordpress.com/

If you wish to participate, and I hope that you do, please answer the 4 questions listed about that I’ve answered. You can answer them anytime that you’d like as I don’t have a certain Monday in mind. Have a great day!

I Had A Dream Last Night…

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Ugh. I don’t think last night went so well. I had to give an oral presentation and I am a horrible public speaker. I’m dreading tomorrow. She told me she would have my grade by then. I’m praying that my grade won’t suffer too much.

Despite that, as I slept later that night, I had a wonderful dream. A dream I think speaks volumes about what is going on with me. In my dream, I’m standing by my department building (for some reason sometimes I am not wheelchair bound in my dreams). I’m waiting for my fiance and minutes pass and other people leave. Then finally he arrives, spins me around in his arms, and for some reason “I Don’t Want to Wait” by Paula Cole starts playing. I think that’s just because I like Dawson’s Creek waaay too much. But yeah, that’s it.

I know it sounds really silly and cheesy, especially with the music. But I think my self-conscious is just telling me, “Hey, the reason you’re so depressed is because you’re tired of the academic life and you’re ready to get married.”

I know the fact that I failed comps is another big part of it and my academic confidence is low. But I’ve also been in college since 2008 and never had any breaks since then. I haven’t stopped with school yet. Went straight from high school to college. I guess I’m just ready for my next big adventure and I’m obviously tired of being apart from fiance. I have to keep pushing through, I’m almost done.

True to my 90s nature, I’ll leave you with a song that this experience made me think of. This is “Whatever” (I Had A Dream Last Night) by the Butthole Surfers. This was off of the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack.

The Depression Experiment

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I woke up miserable this morning. I have no desire to go to my night class tonight. I was absolutely devastated when my grandmother told me that she wouldn’t have cared if I skipped tonight. It’s the only class I have this week due to the Mardi Gras vacation and I honestly have no idea why they just couldn’t let us have the day off (some professors gave their classes the day off, but not mine). We don’t have classes on Fridays. Though truth be told, the only reason she doesn’t mind me skipping is because we are experiencing colder weather and she doesn’t want to go outside, In my heart, I know I need to go because this is the one class I’m not fully understanding. But I could just kick myself knowing that I could have spent some extra days in my fiance’s arms and not be sleeping alone. Don’t worry, I am going tonight.

My fiance’s house and family are a crutch for me and I realize this. They are able to make me forget all my worries for a few days and that’s great. But in the end, I have to go home, I end up in tears, and I’m depressed until the next time I see him. It wasn’t always like this and it has to stop. It has only gotten so bad recently because I have lost my academic confidence due to that exam. I’m not even out of the race yet and everything feels so hopeless.

I can feel a great depression coming and I haven’t had one since 2012. I have to stop it before it gets worse. So, I thought about it and came up with the Depression Experiment. I thought about what’s exactly wrong with me and found some interesting insight. First of all, I’m obviously depressed about failing my COMPS exam. I can’t do anything to change that but I can set aside 15 minutes each day to get started studying early once I get the new textbook. I retake it in August.

Second, I hate the mentioned class and am having a bit of trouble. Not too much though. The last two classes have been very helpful. However, I am having trouble coming up with a research paper topic, so I’ll ask him tonight for a little direction. I also plan to start my presentation for his class this week, it’s weeks in advance. That way I’ll really get a handle on what I need to talk about, it will be done early and I’m not stressing, and maybe it will help me find a topic.

Third, usually when I’m depressed, I jump into my schoolwork. But since school is what is making me depressed, I’m having to force myself to do my assignments. This has to stop because my work will suffer and it just makes things harder. So, I’m going to try my hardest to keep my routine of doing assignments early. I’ll set alarms so I can get the most out of my day.

Fourth, this may be one of the saddest parts, but I write so much for school that I have fallen out of love with my craft. I also believe that I have gotten lazy. To combat this, I plan to start posting on here at least once a week. That way I’ll get some writing out that I actually enjoy. Just writing this has made me feel a little bit better.

Doing my book reviews also helps me because reading is always something that perks me up. I am also a lover of film and maybe doing film reviews when I have a chance will also help. Deep down, I know that what I really want is to live with my fiance. But due to my schooling and his job, it’s just not an option right now. I think things would be so much better if I could just finish my work and then leap into his arms afterward. But until then I have to do what I can.

50 Feet of What?

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I know I haven’t updated in a while. This is going to be painful to admit, but I did in fact, fail my COMPs exam. I haven’t been the same ever since I found out. I was so devastated that I actually wheeled out of one of my night classes crying. My interest in school has dropped. However, I am still completing all of my assignments and on time. I guess it’s just so robotic to me now after years and years of being a student. I think deep down I probably still care, even though I’m just drained to the max.

To catch you back up to speed, my fiance and I celebrated Valentines Day and since I live in the Mardi Gras state, I had a little time off from classes. We had a wonderful discounted sushi meal, alcohol, and mini cheesecake. We got my ring set back only to discover that it is still too small. I am now wearing it on a chain, but the jewelers we bought from have agreed to stretch and re-polish them at no charge. They are so great to work with! For Valentines gifts, I got him a Wayne’s World “WayneStock” shirt and he got me some flannel shirts for my grunge wardrobe. However, the vacation was still very short lived.

When my fiance brought me back home, I burst into tears just because I don’t want to return to my studies. My confidence feels shattered. On top of that, it’s already hard to leave him.

I found something that has been working pretty well for my face. But that will get its own post. I will also have a book review up soon.

Dreamweaver

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I studied for three hours today. I studied for seven yesterday. I’m exhausted and I still do not feel confident.

But I wanted to ask my followers a question. I don’t know how many of you read this post from a while back, but in my creative writing class last semester, I wrote a short story about my fiance and I called Dreamweaver. If you read my post from a couple of days ago, it deals with the cancer scare I had. Would anyone like me to post a snippet of it?

Also, I found this on PostSecret today and I wish it was my secret.

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It’s Coming…

My COMPs exam is on Monday. I studied all day, but I’m freaking out. I plan to study tomorrow as well. I’ve been preparing for two months, but I don’t feel confident. However, this is pretty typical with me. This exam determines whether I graduate or not.

When I’m not studying, doing homework, or updating this blog, I’m reading. Reading is a small comfort for me. Right now, I’m working on Fear and Laundry 2. It’s my only enjoyment these days. I’ve still been mopey about my fiance not being able to be with me. But he should be coming over this coming weekend, so there’s that to look forward to. I know that these things aren’t really big deals. But after being with him for nearly three years, I’m ready to actually be with him.

As I’m writing this I’m munching on a Snickers candy bar. It goes against my plan to lose weight and I was supposed to save it till after the exam, but I just felt like I needed a little chocolate. I only feel a little guilty.

I know I’m late on this bandwagon, but I’ve been thinking about New Year Resolutions. I’ve made 3:

1. Lose some weight

2. Update journal frequently

3. Update blog frequently

Thanks for reading my little musings. I know I’ll feel better once this is all over. A friend is coming to visit me tomorrow, maybe that will perk me up.

I’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks…..

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I haven’t done a personal blog post in a while. So, here I am. Today, was my first day back on campus. I put on a new grunge style baby doll dress that a friend of mine gave me. It’s the real thing too. She bought it in 1992. It’s white with a floral print and ties in the back. I paired it up with some knee high black boots, foundation, and rum raisin lipstick. My black tattoo choker necklace just came in today, so I have that now too.

The class I had today was Gender Studies in American Cinema. It’s taught by my favorite professor and I haven’t taken a class with him in a while. I couldn’t really enjoy it though. I’ve been depressed for days over my upcoming comps exam and the fact that I’m still not living with my fiance.

Yeah, I neglected to tell you guys that. That boyfriend I’ve been writing about proposed to me over my winter break. I didn’t say anything because the ring was too small and we had to send it back. The jewelers are making us a new set at a great deal! It was custom made for me.

I’m ecstatic about my engagement, but I’m melancholy because we’re still not living together and there’s really nothing we can do about it now. But trust me, he’s worth it. It’s been nearly three years and I still get the excitement in my chest. I don’t care how sad I get…it is all worth it.

I’ll let you guys in on a little secret.

In October, I had a cancer scare. You can imagine how devastated I felt. The first thing I thought was: Great, cerebral palsy and cancer. There’s no way he is going to stick around. Don’t worry, no cancer. But I was wrong about him. He brought me to all my appointments and on the morning of the screening he brought me to the hospital, helped me into the gown, and brought my socks and stuffed bunny.. After I woke up (they had to put me to sleep because I was scared out of mind), He brought me to the mall, made me lunch, and watched a movie with me all before he had to go to work. When he had leave, I was in tears. I couldn’t believe that such a wonderful person exists. I couldn’t fathom that he had done all that for me. And I didn’t want him to leave..

I’m going to marry him. He is going to be my husband.

I am not a highly religious person. But I thank God for this man at least once every day. This distance is killing me. I’m sorry this post is brief I have a monster headache.
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