I know I’ve been terrible at keeping up with my blog and reading all of yours lately. I’ll attempt to explain why.
It’s Thanksgiving week here in the States, and I am looking forward to a little break. I’ve been hard at work on a course that will help me forge a new path in my career, and when I’m not doing that, I’m tending to my clients for Miranda the Freelancer.
It’s a lot of work, and I never feel like I have any spare time to myself, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
Recently, a new piece of mine has been published for Now with Purpose. It’s all about how CBD oil can help relieve people with anxiety and depression. I would know because that’s exactly what I use it for! Check it out here.
I may be teaching a course
Additionally, I want to put some “feelers” out there. Would anyone of my readers be interested in a course that covers maintaining a positive self-image and building healthy romantic relationships? Its conception was thought of for the disabled community, but anyone can be a part of it.
Before I get into the blog post topic, I just wanted to say that I was absolutely overwhelmed by the support I received for my last post. I didn’t think so many people read or cared about my journey to a freelancing career. The comments, follows, and likes are especially special to me right now because I have been suffering from my depression disorder pretty hard for over 24 hours.
I had to force myself to get up, shower, brush my teeth, and type out this post. I read through my followed blogs before starting this and it helped a little. I don’t know why it’s happening. Nothing is going wrong. It just does hits me sometimes.
In fact, I got an offer yesterday that pays pretty well and could help stabilize me, if I land it. I still have an interview with Clutch tomorrow (they had to reschedule), I have my regular clients, and a potential resume + cover letter order. This week should prove to be busy and productive. I just hope my depression doesn’t screw it up.
An accurate interpretation of how I’ve been feeling
The Reoccurring Dreams
My partner thinks I sleep like this.
I don’t really want to call these nightmares because they are not particularly scary and I’ve had way worse nightmares. However, one of my biggest fears all through my academic life, and even up to now, was and is failure. Since I was born with a disability, my family was very adamant about my education. Just to clarify, I’m not blaming them for this fear. I wouldn’t be where I am today without my education. I just believe that putting so much pressure on me about it caused some consequences.
I dream about being back in school and failing courses A LOT. Sometimes I’m back in high school, sometimes it’s college. It varies. My most recent one was that I was back in American History during my sophomore year at my old Catholic high school. The funny thing is that I never failed this class. The only classes I ever failed were math courses. Numbers are my enemy.
Me in any math class
Sometimes, they get even weirder. During one of these dreams, I was actually kidnapped and after I was safely returned, the professor still failed me! I think being kidnapped is a pretty good excuse, don’t you?
I think the reason I still have these dreams, even though I’ve been out of school for years, is because now I’m afraid of failing with my business. Since academia will probably always be a big part of my life, I think this is how my mind chooses to manifest it. The mind is a strange thing.
My depression isn’t helping things right now either. I’m paranoid that I will mess something up with my business this week. I have a lot of good things coming my way, but it’s overwhelming. I know I shouldn’t think like this and I should keep positive. It’s just hard sometimes.
What about you? Have you had any reoccurring dreams? How do you deal with bouts of depression? Let’s talk in the comments.
Hello everyone that reads this blog. I know it’s been a few days since I’ve properly blogged, but I have been a busy freelancer once again. I’m having a sense of Deja Vous, but just this past Monday, I was once again getting down on myself and telling my husband that I’ll never make it as a freelancer writer and we’ll never live more comfortably.
My hubby is actually training to be an electrician, so we might be more stable after he finishes his three remaining years of schooling. However, I don’t want to have to rely on my partner for money. I like having my own money and feeling like I’m doing something worth value. He gave me his standard response, “Don’t give up babe, you’ll make it.” He is nothing, if not supportive. I sighed and just gave myself up to my bed that night.
Then Tuesday Morning Came…
Don’t we all feel like this in the morning?
I woke up to quite a few emails in my inbox. One that really surprised me was a payment from my healthcare client. I just turned in my invoice for my latest work a couple of days ago and it took her much longer on my first payment. But, who cares? I needed the money after I did all that spending on my 10th-anniversary date. I did a little happy dance as a little more than $100 was going into my account.
I also had a request to write a 2-page statement of purpose, but I already knew that was coming. I made a mental note to reply to it later. Then I noticed an email with the subject line that said “NEW Copywriting Gig,” It was an offer to write pet product descriptions. I have a phone interview for it tomorrow. I hope it goes well.
Other Leads
Someone on LinkedIn recommended I talk to someone named Duncan who needed a writer. I connected with him and he agreed to my hourly rate. I’m just waiting for him to tell me more.
I didn’t get the other product description job I wanted, but the guy said my skills may be of use to him later, so he wanted to stay in touch.
I applied for a company called DennyWrites and they sent me a writer’s test. I turned it in earlier today.
Finally, a client I normally had monthly, seems to have made me a more regular part of the writing team.
Phew. I think that’s all of the current leads.
I Don’t Want to Get Too Excited
Me right now.
Even though I’m still not making a great amount on my business, I am able to get by. Could that all change soon if I land some of these clients? Yes. Am I scared? You betcha. Am I excited? Kinda. I don’t want to get my hopes up.
How has your week been going? Has anything exciting happened? Tell me all about it in the comments.
UPDATE: Just heard from DennyWrites, it’s a no. That is the one I wanted the least, but it still stings.
I’ve lived a very sheltered life because of my disability. You know how dads are. Very protective of their little girls. Because of this, while I was in college, I had always lived with my grandmother (who was pretty much my mother since my biological one was M.I.A.). Well, if you’ve read a earlier post I had written on my departure from graduate school, you’d know that was no longer the case.
I imagine my sheltered lifestyle was the reason for some of my more favorite reading choices. I really enjoy books where teenagers went off on their own and had adventures in parties, dating, and drugs. (Though I would not really dabble much with the last. But I got a taste of what it’s like by dating someone who did.) Or biographies of my favorite musicians who had to struggle at one point with different jobs and homes.
One of them that comes to mind is the Kurt Cobain biography I own, Heavier than Heaven. I always wished that I can go off on my own like him and struggle a bit to find my place. Of course, I think jobs were easier to come by then, as I am still looking. However, I am turning in an application tomorrow that looks promising.
I’m still living in someone else’s house (my fiance’s parents’), but they do offer a lot more freedom and less stress. But it is still an adventure by being able to come and go as I please. They even throw quite a lot of shindigs themselves.
So, I can honestly say that I am kind of living the dream of finding my way on my own. Though, my need to feel productive makes me crave a job, Therefore, I hope I get hired soon, so this depression will disappear.
Though there is a bit of trouble in paradise with my fiance and I. I find myself missing the very man I mentioned in this post. I heard through the grapevine that he had been asking about me. He was my first love and my first dabble with more experienced activities…
Really, the confession of something like this is grounds for a separation for most. But my fiance certainly does love me, as he will do anything do work this out. Even as far as saying that he has me and my ex doesn’t. So, as long as he has me, it doesn’t matter if I pine. It really makes me feel like a bitch.
I’m taking a break from my Looney June posts to bring you guys a VERY special post. But before I get on that, I have to tell you something. Today is not a good day. I am depressed. Depressed. Depressed. I had an interview today and it went well. The interviewer even registered me for my online training, problem is that the internet is so bad here that I can’t get into the online classroom. I had to email them to cancel everything. I can’t do the stay at home job if my internet is crappy.
I only have one other lead. My best friend used to work with one of the nearby library branches and he put in a good word for me. Not only that but my mentor from grad school also let me list him as a reference. This would be a dream job for me. If this doesn’t work out, I’ll have to bite the bullet and do something I’m a bit iffy about.
I wanted to apply to our local library branch as soon as I moved here. But when I looked up the information I discovered the process is quite grueling. The wannabe employee has to take a test. I don’t mind taking said test, but I couldn’t understand how you’re supposed to register to take it. Not only that, but you’re actual application is also a test. So, any mistakes you may make on it will count against you. It just sort of frightened me.
While the library I have just applied for is just a little bit further out and all they require is an application. But I have to do what I have to do, so if this doesn’t work out, I’ll take the rough application step by step.
Now, we’ll get to what I really want to talk about.
Let’s go back to that best friend I just mentioned. His name is Patrick and he doesn’t really know it, but he has saved my life more times than I can count since I met him as an undergrad. If I actually get this job through him, he can add another one to the list. Maybe he’s my guardian angel or something.
Anyway, Patrick and I are children of the 90s and we both have a VERY deep love of the culture of that decade. Patrick also knows that my two favorite bands are the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Everclear. He even bought me a blue Everclear shirt for Valentines Day.
How much of an Everclear fan am I? Give my blog title an inspection and then listen to this:
I hope you enjoyed that little musical interlude. Patrick decided that this year for my birthday he would purchase us tickets to see Art Alexakis (lead singer of Evercear) play solo. For those that don’t know the band, he writes all the lyrics. Art Alexakis is the mastermind behind the hits “Father of Mine,” “I Will Buy You A New Life,” and “Santa Monica.” Those are just a few of the big ones.
That show took place on June 6, 2015. Patrick, my fiance, and I arrived an hour before the show. At first, we stood outside the door, taking pictures of Art’s poster. Then Patrick went in to see if we could all go in early. When he came back out, he was full of excitement.
“He was a foot away away from me!”
At that point, my heart was pounding in my ears. Would I have a chance to meet the man that got me through so many hang ups and break ups? I couldn’t possibly wrap my head around it.
But when we were allowed in, a man came down the stairs, hobbling in a cast and carrying a cane. This was Art Alexakis and he was touring with a broken leg. Dedication.
My eyes grew wide and I couldn’t breathe. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. That was all I could think. He saw us looking at him and made his way over. I think he smiled at me. Patrick immediately introduced himself, as I was tongue tied. He introduced me as a “superfan.”
Art smiled and shook my hand. “I like your shirt, but the guy on the front needs to cut his hair.”
I laughed. “I really love Everclear! I’ve been a fan ever since I saw the Father of Mine video.” I’m sure all my words came out in a rush.
“How old are you?”
“I’m 25. I just turned 25 last week.”
“God, 25. You were just a baby when that album came out.”
I was 8 years old when So Much For the Afterglow came out.
“Can I take take a picture with you?”
“You most certainly can.”
Art Alexakis knelt down with a broken leg to take a picture with me.
“What’s your favorite song?”
I smiled nervously. “You’ll laugh but my favorite Everclear song is You Make Me Feel Like a Whore.”
He laughed. “Well, Whore is hard to play on acoustic. What else?”
Looking back now, I wish I would have asked him to play Wishing. But I was so nervous, I went for the obvious choice. “Well, everyone loves I Will Buy You A New Life.”
“Well, I’m going to play I Will Buy You a New Life for you during sound check.”
And he did. Just for me.
After the show, everybody was running to see him. I wanted to talk to him again. I was so starstruck the first time and I wanted him to know what his music meant to me. But I couldn’t be a fan hog either. That’s not cool.
However, other fans decided to start moving chairs and the crowd parted for me. I was really amazed I hadn’t started crying. He looked at me again, knelt down, his ear to my face. I could have kissed his cheek.
“Did you enjoy the show?”
“Yes. I wanted to talk to you again. I was so starstruck the first time.”
“That’s okay!”
“I wanted to tell you I love your music. Thank you for that song. My mom walked out on me as a kid.”
He looked pained when I said it. “Was your dad there for you?”
“Yes.”
“That’s all that matters, sweetie. My mom was there for me and that’s all we need.”
Today is the day of my future sister-in-law’s high school graduation. Even though I am very happy and excited for her, I have to put my brave face on and wear a mask of false pretenses. I realize I am escaping to my own blog and various books for my own solace and honesty. But the truth of the matter is that I am quite unhappy.
I look on my facebook and I see my peers that have successfully finished out the semester or have finally obtained that degree and I think to myself, “Are you stupid? Why couldn’t you hack it?” The truth still is that I don’t want to return, but did I have any business being there at all?
What I really want is to get a job and start saving with my fiance for a place and our wedding. But it has been two weeks and I haven’t heard back from any of the many, many applications I have submitted. My fiance got a callback, filled out all the paperwork, and it has been a week and he still hasn’t been called in. However, he is very confident since he has worked for this company before and they were very pleased to have him back. I wish I could have such a nice disposition as he has, but my confidence is waning and I find myself retreating to a darker place.
Even though I have decided to stay with my fiance, I miss my grandmother, father, and dog (who has been put down) terribly. I don’t want to return home because I already changed my address and starting getting my disability services switched over, and I just don’t want to be pressured to go back to school or see the disappointment I may have caused.
But what right do I have to inconvenience these people who have been so kind to me for the past three years? I know they have said that they were happy to have me, but I know I have disrupted my fiance’s family’s lives. I’m dreading when a disability worker starts coming. I’m sure they are not looking forward to a stranger entering their home.
Looking down at my engagement ring is starting to make me sick as I feel like I don’t deserve it. Not his love, kindness, or the same from his family. The only solace I have is in my ever expanding reading list.
The one benefit to me being out of school is that I’ll have a lot more time to do things that I never had time to do before, like frequently write on my blog! I’m very close to finishing my next book already, so be on the lookout for a new book review coming soon.
Applied for a lot of jobs, but nothing yet. I’m already getting a little anxious and it has only been a week! But that’s just typical me. I understand these things take time. My fiance had been out of work for a month before he found something. I just wish this depression would leave me.
But…that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. You guys are going to be so disappointed in me, but I broke away from my natural skincare hunt. I wasn’t getting the results I wanted and buying all those products on Etsy was pretty cost consuming. So, I broke down and bought a drugstore system. The results were actually quite surprising.
First of all, my skin honestly hasn’t looked this good since I was diagnosed with PCOS. I still have some acne, but it is very minimal to what it was and if I get any cysts, they honestly don’t stand a chance. Even my skin tone has improved.
The drawback is, like I mentioned before, that this stuff is not natural and it does contain BP (Benzoyl Peroxide). However, this stuff is different in that the lotion (the actual medicine) contains Micro-Benzoyl Peroxide. What this means is that only a small bit of Benzoyl Peroxide is released into your skin throughout the day. Thus making it less drying and harsh on your skin. But depending on how your skin reacts, this probably won’t be for everyone and you should always moisturize after using acne products.
Once I run out of the regular 24 hour system, I am going to trying the severe version in order to try and combat the remaining bits of acne. The severe system has a fourth step in addition to the cleanser, toner, and lotion. The fourth step is a retinol complex.
Another thing I found to be very beneficial to my skin is calamine lotion. With all the stress of leaving school, my face became very itchy and soon I had rashes on my cheeks. I got the calamine lotion to soothe my face, but upon further research I discovered that it can also be used for acne troubled skin. So, instead of using the lotion twice a day, I dab some calamine lotion on my face at night with a cotton round. That way my face won’t become too dry from the BP. The calamine lotion is very soothing and refreshing. I do believe it is helping with the acne as well.
AcneFree has been reviewed a lot online and has been compared to Proactiv. I have used Proactiv before and AcneFree not only worked better for me, but it is also a lot more affordable and you can just pick it up at your local drugstore.
I would recommend it if you have tried a lot of options like I did and didn’t see any results. Just remember to give it a little time to work and that everyone’s skin is different and will react differently. This review was written on my own accord and I was not paid by AcneFree.
Well, cat’s out of the bag with the title. Yes, it’s true, I have left my university. A few weeks ago, I was on my Spring Break. I spent my break the way I have always have for the past few years. I packed a suitcase and headed over to my fiance’s house. When I wasn’t trying to relax, I was working on assignments. My future mother-in-law made the comment that I wasn’t having as much fun as I normally do and she was right. It was on that break that I started realizing that I wasn’t happy anymore.
After the week long break, my fiance returned with me and he stayed for a week. I was crying all week long over the amount of work I had, When I say cry, I mean that really hard ugly cry with snot running down my face, yeah, not a pretty sight. The fact of the matter was, I did work a lot during the break and I still felt like I was sinking. My grades had gone from A’s to B-‘s, which is really cutting it close in graduate school. You get more than 2 C’s and you’re out
After the week passed and my fiance left, I lasted 24 hours. I made a list of all the things I had to do and woke up determined to get work done. As the evening crept in, I realized my entire presentation was straight from the textbook and I had no idea on how to present it. I called my fiance in tears and begged him to come get me, This was something I had done the entire week he was with me. I told him that if I stayed at home and in school I would end up in a mental institution. I had already stopped eating and sleep was just not happening. I had a feeling I was going to make the three C’s and get kicked out. Even with the tutoring I was receiving from another graduate student that had all the same classes as I did, I was still making B-‘s.
Needless to say, I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety officially and have left the university on medical release. I’m currently crashing on the couch at my fiance and his family’s house. I’m looking for work and hoping we can save the money to get our own place. His family let me into their home with open arms and I think I’ve thanked them more times than I can count. I do feel really guilty about putting this all on them though.
I have to go run errands, so I’ll have to cut it short here. But if anyone has any questions, I’ll be more than happy to elaborate on anything.
Ugh. I don’t think last night went so well. I had to give an oral presentation and I am a horrible public speaker. I’m dreading tomorrow. She told me she would have my grade by then. I’m praying that my grade won’t suffer too much.
Despite that, as I slept later that night, I had a wonderful dream. A dream I think speaks volumes about what is going on with me. In my dream, I’m standing by my department building (for some reason sometimes I am not wheelchair bound in my dreams). I’m waiting for my fiance and minutes pass and other people leave. Then finally he arrives, spins me around in his arms, and for some reason “I Don’t Want to Wait” by Paula Cole starts playing. I think that’s just because I like Dawson’s Creek waaay too much. But yeah, that’s it.
I know it sounds really silly and cheesy, especially with the music. But I think my self-conscious is just telling me, “Hey, the reason you’re so depressed is because you’re tired of the academic life and you’re ready to get married.”
I know the fact that I failed comps is another big part of it and my academic confidence is low. But I’ve also been in college since 2008 and never had any breaks since then. I haven’t stopped with school yet. Went straight from high school to college. I guess I’m just ready for my next big adventure and I’m obviously tired of being apart from fiance. I have to keep pushing through, I’m almost done.
True to my 90s nature, I’ll leave you with a song that this experience made me think of. This is “Whatever” (I Had A Dream Last Night) by the Butthole Surfers. This was off of the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack.
Update on “The Depression Experiment:” I’ve been feeling a lot better lately. When I went to my night class last week, I discovered that I had an A in the class. Who knew? As for staying on top of my assignments, I completed a rough draft of a presentation and sent it to a professor to look over. I will be spending the next two weekends with my fiance, so I have something to look forward to. The only down side is that with his new job starting, we’ll have less time to spend together.
Now, as mentioned in a previous post, I’m going to mention something that has been helping with my acne. As you know, I have been switching to all natural products (with the exception of the few chemical products I am using up). Well, a few weeks ago, my fiance and I were shopping in Target. I insisted we go because when I looked in the mirror that morning I discovered that not only was my acne relentless, but my face was also dry and red.
Target has its own aisle dedicated to natural hygiene products and it was there that he handed me a very large bottle of soap.
“Have you tried this?”
I had heard about castile soap before and a lot of people raved about it on acne.org. But I had never thought to pick some up. I glanced down at the shelf where he found it and noticed that there were many different types of bottles.
“Which one should I get?”
After breaking out our smartphones to look up the brand, I concluded that the most popular for acne was the tea tree and peppermint flavors. Even though tea tree had never helped my skin before, I grabbed it since I didn’t know how peppermint could help me.
After using it for a week, my acne was the same and my face was drying out. So, I had him take me back to get the peppermint. In just a couple of days I noticed my acne was waning and my redness was clearing up. I was puzzled by this, so I looked up how peppermint helped with acne.
I have PCOS which is a hormonal imbalance that is caused by an abundance of testosterone, which also causes my acne. It turns out that peppermint actually helps with testosterone levels. So, I’ve also taken to drinking peppermint tea. It is quite delicious.
Now, let me assure you. I have not yet cleared my acne, As I type now, I have two large cystic pimples on my face. But my face is a lot less red and the smaller bits of acne don’t stand a chance. I am confident that this is a step in the right direction and I will find the right combination of products soon.
A note about Dr. Bronner’s Soap: If you plan to use this soap, a lot of people say that you have to dilute it because it is very strong. I find the peppermint doesn’t dry me out, so I don’t dilute it. But the tea tree did. All you need is three drops. This stuff lathers really well and will last you a long time! If it dries you out, try diluting before you stop using it.
Ruined In All The Right Ways 